R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
