I can tuck mytits in my pants
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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