Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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