just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
