I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
