There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
