hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
