I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
