I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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