he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
