I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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