Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
