I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
