I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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