I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize