Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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