I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
