Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
