I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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