Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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