Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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