I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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