The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
