I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
