____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
