When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
