I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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