why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Come on in and take your pants off
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