Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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