if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
