i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize