I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
