i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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