Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize