there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
