I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
