I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
