i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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