and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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