rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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