How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
