Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He shit in the fireplace
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
