how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dignity is for republicans.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
