So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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