I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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