thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
false alarm, still single
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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