bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
