Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
