There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
