Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
