I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
