I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
