Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
