so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
